Tuesday, June 2, 2015

"You suck at being divorced"

The other day, I said that to a friend of mine ... he got a chuckle out of it, but the reality, most Men truly suck after a divorce or breakup.  And I'm speaking from very personal experience here.

In my case, when my marriage was crashing and I knew is was heading towards divorce, I froze.  I didn't really know what to do - I didn't get married so that one day I would be divorced and lose my family (which for most Men is more important than their wife).  I was literally frozen, not able to move left or right.  I went to counseling.  I talked to friends and family.  I tried to so some things for me (which was the advice of all those well meaning people) - but my thoughts were consumed by my "wanting" the reality to be different.

Here's a wake up call for anyone going through a divorce or breakup - REALITY IS WHAT IT IS, YOU CAN'T WISH IT TO BE DIFFERENT.  Wanting something to be different, especially when it comes to male/female relationships, is not going to help.  Getting your mind all wrapped around events (real or imaged) from the past and stressing yourself out, is not going to help.  Getting frozen in place and not being able to move, is not going to help.

The only thing that helps, is to re-center yourself.  To stop being frozen, and start looking at what is real.  I'm not saying ignore your emotions - you have to feel those things (or they just come up somewhere or sometime else).  What I'm saying is that you also have to start taking actions - no matter how small - to get yourself moving.

The following are Newton's Law of Motion (from wikipedia)

First law:  When viewed in an inertial reference frame, an object either remains at rest or continues to move at a constant velocity, unless acted upon by an external force.
Second law:  The vector sum of the external forces F on an object is equal to the mass m of that object multiplied by the acceleration vector a of the object: F = ma.
Third law:  When one body exerts a force on a second body, the second body simultaneously exerts a force equal in magnitude and opposite in direction on the first body.

I'm not a physicist, but basically, you either are moving, or you're not.  If you are moving, it's easier to keep moving, with less effort on your part.  If you are completely stopped, it takes more effort to get going - but once you do, the first law comes back into play.

The point being.  Being frozen is the worst thing you can do.  You have to do something.  The first thing you have to do, is get your head together - and quit feeling guilty about all the things "that went wrong, or things you did or didn't do".  That is what kept me stuck - that guilt and shame - and the whole "this is all my fault" thinking.  For all I know, it is all your fault - but there is a huge difference between "owning" and taking responsibility for your actions and taking blames (and feeling guilt and shame about them).

And it's not just divorce, this can happen in dating or LTR relationships.  Something happens (you, them, a 3rd party), you react, they react, the situation spins out of control.  Then you breakup.  Do not get caught in this cycle of guilt and shame - taking all the "blame".  You have to own your actions.  You have to take responsibility for what you did (or didn't do).  And biggest thing ... you have to accept the consequences and the outcome.

So now back to my primary point - You Suck at Being Divorced ...

I told my friend that because he was still caught in this cycle of "I can't do this, because of that" ... and the that usually centered around his xwife or xgirlfriend - because you are "wishing" that they come back.  Get out of that cycle - because you are putting them at the center of your life, not you.  Spend some time, make a list, and start working it - what do you want?  What have you not been doing that you would like to do?  Use this new found energy and refocus it on YOU - get yourself back to the center.

Hell, they may or may not come back.  There are times I really would like to have a crystal ball to see into the future - but none of us has one.  Quit wishing for different circumstance - and start moving to create different circumstance.  Once you do, you may find out you don't want them back - that they keep you stuck (or more accurately, you allowed yourself to be stuck, they just provide the excuse to do it).

Eyes Front Gentlemen.  Live. Learn. Lead.

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