Sunday, March 16, 2014

I'm selfish ...

I admit it, I have become selfish.  Part of that is because of all the Red Pill shit.  Now that doesn't mean I've become narcissistic - I know the center of the universe is me - but I don't want to abuse that power.  Because once you really get that concept - you can use this new found power to manipulate people - to use them, abuse them, throw them away -- all without any real feelings at all.

I'm selfish on this blog.  I write for me - I hope what I'm struggling with resonates with you as you read these posts - but really, if no one read any of this crap - I would still write.  Because what I write is what I need to keep in mind, to focus on, to overcome.  My life is like a movie that goes from being completely in crystal clear focus (Super HD) to grey, foggy and only being able to make out shapes and movement.  I need this blog - for me.  So I write, ponder, throw these words out there because I need to hear them - to refocus.

To a large degree, I'm struggling with this whole selfish concept.  That I can want what I want, and there is nothing wrong with it.  That I can look to that list of "things" or the group of people -- picking and choosing only for me, with little regard of other people.   That's foreign to me - this whole concept.  Even in my single days (now single again after the divorce), I always had other people in mind when decisions where made.

Case in point (a little story) ...

When I was 22, I was a college graduate, had gotten my first job at what I thought was going to be my future career (working for an advertising agency as a junior account executive), single, with money in my pocket, not quite free yet (was living with my Dad) and I was miserable.  This is what I wanted, what I dreamed of coming out of college - and the sunny / pollyanna side of what I believed it was going to be like after college came crashing down on me.  I lived in a city I didn't want to live in; I was working within an industry and company that I become completely disillusioned with; and I thought was this it?

Fast forward a couple months.  My attitude sucked, so I lost that job (actually I quit); I moved in with my Mom in another city; I was unemployed, working part time and the only "jobs" being offered to me were selling insurance.  And once again, I wondered if this was it?  My Mom knew where I was, knew that I didn't want to leave her alone, knew that I was scared to move forward and gave me the biggest gift a parent can give their child - she told me to leave her house (not in a mean way) and to move to Colorado (I had friends there, and she knew I wanted to live there).  She told me that it was my life, only for me, to make decisions for me, not her or anyone else.  We talked for hours that night - and yes there were tears - because both of us knew our relationship had taken a leap forward, but also would never be the same.

Within 48 hours, I was packed and driving my car to Denver.  That kicked off my adult life, my career, who I am today.  But it started with being selfish (or what I thought of at the time as a selfish decision).

You are faced with these every day.  How are you handle them - it's completely up to you - other people may judge you for your decisions, other people may not like them, in fact, relationships may never be the same after those decisions.  But it is YOUR LIFE, only you can live it, no one else.  We all make mistakes, we all take missteps, we all fall down, we all fail - and in some cases they are epic fails.  But you know what, we also get things completely right, we stay on our own path, we brush ourselves off and get going again, we WIN.  Once again, it was you and no one else.  Never feel bad about celebrating your victories, never feel bad for making a decision based upon what you want - life is tough enough, don't add to your problems by taking on someone else's (life).

Eyes front Gentlemen.  Live, Learn, Lead.

1 comment:

  1. Being selfish is one of the best things you can do for your own mental health and game.

    When called out on it, own it.

    As long as you don't screw people over when being selfish, your conscience shall not give your trouble for this.

    Wald

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