Thursday, January 23, 2014
Why does everything look purple ...
So, I see some things very clearly through the new eyes I have been given, but I cling like a small child to some aspects of the Blue Pill world - it just has a purple tint to it. I doubt I'm that unique - I've read other posts about how it's so very hard reprogram yourself, to truly believe that everything (and yes everything) you were taught was wrong, to give old habits and mostly wishful thinking. I get all that and it doesn't make it any easier to force the pill down or deny it's existence and just throw it back up. I am truly living in the land between the two.
So, why not an example ...
I know my (x)wife is probably the quintessential woman - almost everything I read about evo-biology, about manipulation, about emotions, about not being able to love, etc and really fit her to a 'T'. BUT, everytime I'm around her, all I want to do is be "with" her. Its like she's using some kind of Jedi mind-trick on me - the last time we talked, I actually laughed and told her that I knew I was a "pussy" around her.
I know the facts about her. I probably am more aware of her actions than she is - and I'm almost blind to them all. I know that I mean absolutely nothing to her, except if the check didn't clear - then I would be "that asshole" again. And even all the things my logical brain knows, there's the other part of me that wants to cling to her or the ideal of her - that she's not like that, she's different - when all the evidence known (and probably unknown) tells a completely different story.
So, why do I care?
I really don't about her specifically, but what I came to realize today that unless I fully swallow that damned thing, things will continue to be purple - there will be melding of both worlds, like the brackish waters of a river delta - with the mixing of salt and clear water. That I will never be clear of her, or in reality, the thoughts of any other woman being "different" from the rest. I will cling onto the hope of either my (x)wife become the prodigal son or me actually discovering the only unicorn in existence. And that's just the purple tint with regard to women -- there is so much more to our lives as Men than women. In fact, there was a great article RoK about how the Red Pill transforms more your entire life, not just some small sliver of personal interaction with women.
I've got to figure out how to swallow this damned thing - because I'm too smart to just throw it up - maybe after it dissolves a bit more, it will be easier, I don't really know - but it will go down.
Eyes front Gentlemen. Live, Learn, Lead.