Thursday, January 23, 2014

Why does everything look purple ...

I couldn't quite figure out what to name this post, but I'm coming to the belief that in my attempt to fully swallow the Red Pill (which is caught somewhere in the back of my throat), some of it has dissolved and been ingested, but the largest portion just won't go down.

So, I see some things very clearly through the new eyes I have been given, but I cling like a small child to some aspects of the Blue Pill world - it just has a purple tint to it.  I doubt I'm that unique - I've read other posts about how it's so very hard reprogram yourself, to truly believe that everything (and yes everything) you were taught was wrong, to give old habits and mostly wishful thinking.  I get all that and it doesn't make it any easier to force the pill down or deny it's existence and just throw it back up.  I am truly living in the land between the two.

So, why not an example ...
I know my (x)wife is probably the quintessential woman - almost everything I read about evo-biology, about manipulation, about emotions, about not being able to love, etc and really fit her to a 'T'.    BUT, everytime I'm around her, all I want to do is be "with" her.  Its like she's using some kind of Jedi mind-trick on me - the last time we talked, I actually laughed and told her that I knew I was a "pussy" around her.

I know the facts about her.  I probably am more aware of her actions than she is - and I'm almost blind to them all.  I know that I mean absolutely nothing to her, except if the check didn't clear - then I would be "that asshole" again.  And even all the things my logical brain knows, there's the other part of me that wants to cling to her or the ideal of her - that she's not like that, she's different - when all the evidence known (and probably unknown) tells a completely different story.

So, why do I care?
I really don't about her specifically, but what I came to realize today that unless I fully swallow that damned thing, things will continue to be purple - there will be melding of both worlds, like the brackish waters of a river delta - with the mixing of salt and clear water.  That I will never be clear of her, or in reality, the thoughts of any other woman being "different" from the rest.  I will cling onto the hope of either my (x)wife become the prodigal son or me actually discovering the only unicorn in existence.  And that's just the purple tint with regard to women -- there is so much more to our lives as Men than women.  In fact, there was a great article RoK about how the Red Pill transforms more your entire life, not just some small sliver of personal interaction with women.

I've got to figure out how to swallow this damned thing - because I'm too smart to just throw it up - maybe after it dissolves a bit more, it will be easier, I don't really know - but it will go down.

Eyes front Gentlemen.  Live, Learn, Lead.

3 comments:

  1. Hey, nice post. I haven't read your whole blog, so I don't know your complete situation, but I'd say there are a couple things you can do that will definitely speed up your ability to feel more indifferent around your ex wife.

    First, I'd try to minimize contact with her. Talk to her and see her as little as possible. Second, the sooner you get into some new woman's pants, the better. But be careful not to get all attached to any new one either. Third, the more self improvement you can do, the better. If you get in shape, dress well, learn some new skills, and get some social life going on, you'll start feeling like you're better than her, and then you won't have those old feelings around her.

    I wish ya the best, and keep writing, because that will help too. Writing and blogging is great for growing and changing and progressing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. William -- thanks for stopping by, yea, the writing helps - and yes, getting the interest of other woman does help. I have my personal development mantra going strong, with my Abs By March project. But really - I agree with everything you said - and all of it can be of benefit.

      Delete
  2. I'm just gonna leave this here:

    http://scartissue.us/2012/04/26/reflections-military-school-and-the-purple-pill/

    Wald

    ReplyDelete

Only blatant spam will be deleted. An open forum creates new ideas.