Sunday, January 19, 2014

I'm just sick and tired ...

I am so sick and tired of my own bullshit.  I write crap here on this blog, and for what?  My own life teeters between falling into a dark place or falling into a pit of despair.  Sound pretty fucking dramatic doesn't it - I am truly living the life of a man (yes lower case is appropriate) that sits on his own personal pissy pot, crying about the injustice of his life.  I'm not doing anything proactive (well, one thing proactive, I'm working out and focusing on my diet) to improve his life.  Here are some areas that could use a significant upgrade ...

1. Male Friends - I used to have lots of them, now I only have a couple, and all but one live hundreds of miles away.  Men need Men to stay on the right path of being a Man.

2. A Burning Goal - one that I even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to "not" do something about.  I don't have one of those, I've got some "ideas" but that's not the same as a goal, a mission, a pursuit.  Something that is big, but achievable - but is always smoldering inside you - and sometimes burns bright.  That thing creates passion in your life, and passion is important - I haven't been passionate about my life in so very long.

3. Personal Improvement - and I mean real personal improvement here, not lip service to something.  Maybe it goes hand in hand with the #2, but maybe not.  Like I said, I'm trying to get in better shape - I've kept the weight off that I had gained during my late 40's - and I really want to be in the best shape of my life - my mantra is ABS BY MARCH which means working out, eating right.  But who am I doing this for?  Me or to be "more attractive" to women.  I'm really close to become one of those MGTOW types - because I'm a complete pussy around women.

4. The Ability to Say NO - I hate that I don't say NO.  Once again, I'm a huge pussy - and I'm still in love with a woman that could give two shits about me as long as the checks still clear.  I agree with Rollo when he says that ONEitis is really a mental disorder - because that's what it feels like.  When the only time you feel something is with that one person, but everytime you spent time with them, and then they are gone - you just feel empty.  It's a fucked feeling - and I don't wish it on anyone.

OK, so at least I know where I'm fucked up - notice that women and dating are not on the list.  Personally, I've always noticed that shit takes care of itself in my life - and truly, most women are not that interesting to me anyway.  Welcome to my fucked up world.  The good thing, is that I know I can get out of this whole, I can move past it - I've been in worse spots in my life - but it sucks when it's happening.  [oh, and I do understand there are lots of people that have it much worst than I do - I have a friend that is fighting cancer right now - I'm not dealing with any of that].

Eyes front Gentlemen.  Live, Learn, Lead.

6 comments:

  1. I hear you loud and clear.

    But don't beat yourself up too much.

    You've lost more than most guys in these parts really, Truly comprehend.

    I know what you mean about male friends:

    That's why I started the Mumble Movement with Lucky Lothario [it's group audio chat].

    Not the same as in person, I know.

    But it's something and you're welcome to join us.

    Hang tough,

    Ace of Spades [80 proof oinomancy]

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    Replies
    1. Ace - thanks for that. And I'll email you, would probably be a good thing about the Mumble Movement. One of the things I hate, is this feeling of worthlessness that washes over me from time to time - it's not depression per se, it's just that a general feeling of WTF and why does it all matter.

      I'll probably write a post about it - I'm don't think I'm so special that I believe I'm the only one that feels that way from time to time. I've repeated to myself over and over again - it's a journey, and you'll get through this and you can handle this - and THROUGH is the only way you can go. That was one of the sayings over at the NMMNG forum - the Men there would repeat over and over again to each other - that no matter what, you can handle it.

      Thanks again for stopping by and commenting [and the encouraging words] - BTW, really enjoy your blog.

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  2. I do think the best thing for you personally is letting go of all feelings for you ex. Burn the boats and bridges and move on. If it means getting rid of everything that reminds you of her (pictures, stuff etc, do it). Let it go and be free to do what YOU want.

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    Replies
    1. Hey MK, thanks for stopping by ... good idea, but I think I'll keep my kids! Other than that, it's all about me going forward (and of course, the kids). I've always known, that once that happens, I just won't care anymore (and that's the part I find hardest to let go).

      The good thing about any dark I might have, is that now I fully recognize the bright ones - and how thankful I am to have them. Thanks for stopping by.

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    2. Ok the kids definitely make it harder wasn't suggesting not to be involved with them. At the same time you can make a clean break from her emotionally while still being a good dad.

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  3. Hope you don't feel these feelings now as much as you used to.

    Wald

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