Saturday, December 7, 2013

Never Enough...

If you are married, how do you feel about your relationship with your wife?  It's a simple question don't you think - so how do you feel about it?  Does the answer automatically pop into your head, or does it take a few minutes -- or even worse, do you just think "I don't know, ok I guess, I love my wife".

I can tell you, that most of the time, during my marriage, I didn't even ponder that question, I had too much shit to do, hell, I had a list of things to do that she wanted me to accomplish - along with the list of things I wanted to accomplish - and of course, the kids always have a bunch of stuff they want to do - what husband has time to think about how their marriage is going and how they really think about it?

Living at break-neck speed also gives you the ability to "not think about it" on purpose.  To avoid applying any thoughts whatsoever to a question that you may not want to find an answer to at the moment.

I remember, as the shit was hitting the fan on a daily basis in my house - my (x)wife insisted I go talk to someone.  Once I sat down with the therapist, the only thing I could think to say was that I didn't have enough time to be here talking to him - I have stuff to do - and this was going to be an honest waste of time. One day we talked about how I thought the marriage was going, and what I thought about my wife - and all I could say was that, no matter what I did, it was never enough.  I couldn't do enough to make her happy - to move us to a happy place - that all I wanted was for her and the kids to be happy.  And of course, his next question was "what about your happiness?" - and in traditional Man-style I said "I'm happy when they're happy".

And that's when it hit me - my life had crested the hill from having full responsibility for "my happy life" to taking on full responsibility for "their happy life".  Now, that was way before having the pleasure of reading all the fine material in the 'Sphere - it might have made a difference, maybe not - but I KNEW something was wrong with this picture.  That I was busting my ass, was making a ton of money, had two epic business failures and still managed to get myself up to hit it the next day - BUT I was still running behind.  My goal of making her happy was not even close to being fulfilled.  And as I sat there, in his office, talking about how tired I was and how I couldn't do enough - I realized I had given up, had sat my ass down, had stopped - and was just so very tired of it all.

What I didn't realize at the time, but realize now - is that I had everything so wrong.  She didn't want me to make her happy, she wanted me to make myself happy - all her bitching and complaining was directed at getting me to quit thinking about her and the kids and get my ass in gear for me.  All she was really doing was blowing smoke.  Hell, I doubt she even knew why our relationship felt off to her, I know she gave me about a thousand reasons, but she never got to the core of it.  I knew it was off also, but I listened to her reasons and concluded she knew more about "our relationship" than I did (women being the sensitive types they are) - so I would focus on one or two of those, work harder, do more - and the shit just escalated.

And that is where I went wrong.  I thought I could do enough for wife, to get to a place where it was appreciated and respected.  That was the lie I told myself over and over again - work harder, run faster, earn more, love more, etc. and so on.

Remember Men, it's your mission not theirs.  You are the prize, not them.  You lead, they follow.  Being tired in your relationship means you're doing something wrong.  Look at yourself first - forget what she's doing or not doing - and focus on where you are, right now.  I bet, if you take the time, you'll realize that you are "off mission" in your life.  Get back on it, maybe your relationship gets better, maybe it doesn't - but you'll be happier.

Eyes front Gentlemen.  Live, Learn, Lead.

1 comment:

  1. Women take their emotional cues from men.

    If you're happy, it's infectious. She'll soon be too. Same if you emotional state is not great.

    Wald

    ReplyDelete

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