I'm not going to go into where I went wrong - I'm just learning this stuff (read the other posts and you'll have a better idea of what that means). My advice is to think before you answer anything - text, in a call or face to face. I had a choice in what to say when she answered about "going home" after work -- but I didn't THINK through my answer, it was an automatic response from my "nice guy" brain - the one that didn't want to be rejected, have her say no to me, the part of me that goes into protect mode. It happened automatically - it wasn't even something I thought about until later.
So, let's see where I went wrong...and this just personal observation...
- The context is that the weather turned to shit the other day, snow and ice, roads are shit and I didn't even know if I was going to get out at all - trying to determine if it was worth it. Also, we live on completely different sides of town - so advice here, figure out what you want, then craft the conversation around that - once again, it's always your frame not theirs.
- She doesn't live alone, she's got a kid...and I don't mix kids into the whole "trying to bang their mom" thing. So, going to her place is not necessarily an option - once again, have a plan, work the plan, be flexible as to how to accomplish the plan
- She didn't say anything about NOT wanting to see me - there wasn't a NO in anything she said - only that she didn't plan on going out after work
- This is really important - I started out kinda strong with the "10 minutes before you get off work" - and I know there are lots of thoughts on the whole smiley thing - I chose it and will probably not do it much with this woman - she's not a big texter anyway
- Now, the part about her asking if I was coming in - my first thought is that I don't want her to start thinking of me as a "bar customer" - and someone that she has to "work for tips" - but once again, this probably personal preference more than anything else.
- And then when she said she was going home...mentioned this above - but this was a moment of truth in the conversation - although I'm not going to go to her house (reason above) and having her come to my house was probably going to to be a stretch - there were a ton of things I could have said to continue the frame and set a sexual tone, rather than a "oh, she said no, better back out gracefully" tone.
- Now after thinking about it - I could have just said something like..."bed sound goods to me, what time do you get off work?" - that's still pretty mellow, but at least it has some sexual undertones. I would have said..."Good, you're bed or mine?". There are several things I could have sent to her - that set a more sexual tone. I didn't do any of those.
As I said, I'm just learning this stuff - 18+ years of marriage and 10+ years of being a full on Beta Husband - had created a Man that has to relearn all this crap. My goal is to have a few women in my life that I can hang out with and have sex - while spending the least amount of money, time and emotional resources. Still navigating all this stuff.
Eyes front Gentlemen. Live, Learn, Lead.