Thursday, December 12, 2013

Manvise...Learn to say NO...

One of the things that is either learned at a young age or not, is the ability to take NO as an answer - meaning, you ask a question that requires the other person to say YES or NO and in your mind, either is a valid, with no judgement or meaning placed on the answer - it just is.  If you learn that answers are just answers - that the person saying YES or NO is just answering the question - that the answer is not a reflection of how they "feel" about you or your request, then you are way ahead of the game.  It's a tough one for lots of people.

Now, if you are a person that can take NO from another person, then you're probably a person that doesn't have a problem saying NO if the request is something you don't want to do.  If on the other hand, growing up, everytime you asked for something, and the answer was more than a simple YES or NO - you probably internalized that, and thought you were behaving badly - and parents are the worst at this - not understanding that kids internalize "the explanation" and then integrate that into "who they are". (i.e. feel guilty or unworthy)

I've tried to tell my kids, since they were young, they can ask me anything, as long as they are willing to take NO for an answer.  And if they really, really want something, and can't handle being told NO, they probably shouldn't ask - because NO is a valid answer to any request of someone else.  My youngest has absolutely no problem asking for anything - no matter how outlandish - because he has no real vested interest in the answer.  If the answer is YES, he gets what he wanted, if the answer is NO, he won't - but he realizes nothing will happen without asking.  My oldest, he's on the fence, but getting better at asking, although he usually asks when he is fairly sure the answer will be a YES, or if he really wants something.  My middle child - doesn't ask for much, and she has the hardest time when the answer is NO and internalizes that as a "judgement" of her personally.  I've tried to tell her "It's not about you" - but it's a tough road for her.

Now, to get to my main point...if you have a hard time accepting NO as an answer, then you will probably have a hard time saying NO to a request.  My kids - it's a bit easier - with my (x)wife, I've always had a hard time both saying NO and accepting NO.  I realize it's a different dynamic, but it's probably more important with your (love) relationships than anywhere else.  I was always concerned about how she would react to a NO - that she would turn it into some huge deal, we'd fight, things would be ice cold between us and I'd have to "make it up" to her in some way.  And it got to the point, where I just wouldn't cross the line in asking her for anything (sex included) - because I didn't want to be told NO.

So, with her, it became me saying YES most the time (to keep the peace) regardless of how I truly felt about the request and I just assumed she'd read me the riot act or make a big deal of me asking for anything.

Here's the deal, if you are the Leader of your family, it is your responsibility to both say NO and accept NO. Without taking it personally.  With my (x)wife, I took the easy route, the "let's all just get along" path to our relationship.  I didn't want to fight, be upset, cause waves - in other words, I enabled very bad behavior for what I thought were good reason, but in the end, just allowed shit to go south.  Then, as it was out of control, had not real way to stop it from coming to it's inevitable conclusion.

I read someplace out there on Manosphere, always answer NO to anything a woman asks (wife, GF, SO, etc.) - the answer should be automatic.  You can change your mind later - either within minutes, hours or days - but you set the tone, the answer is NO, unless I decide otherwise, and then the way I want it done.  I have no idea if this is good advice or not.  It's not what I did, in fact, I was just the opposite - say YES and then try to adjust or say NO later - which is why my (x)wife thought I was just Passive Aggressive with the whole thing - I would say YES (when I wanted to say NO) then I would not do it, delay doing it, or bitch about doing it.  Learn to say NO - and that won't be a problem.

Eyes front Gentlemen.  Live, Learn, Lead.

1 comment:

  1. No is pain now, yes but no is pain later, and more of it.

    Wald

    ReplyDelete

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