Wednesday, December 11, 2013
It's either Yes or No...
You either Lead or you don't...
In the movie Talladega Nights - Ricky Bobbie's dad tells him "You're either first or last". Although he backs off the statement later in the movie, Ricky builds his whole life philosophy on that statement. In my personal belief, you either lead or you follow - there really isn't any middle ground. Every entity, from the family to business, to government, to your set of friends - all of them require a leader, the person that makes stuff happen, makes decisions, get's people moving in the same direction. Taking the lead, means taking responsibility for both the good and bad things that happen. Leading means having a direction/mission, a "general" plan, and the fortitude to adjust course as circumstances warrant. Leaders aren't necessarily "planners", but they have the "idea" and then set it in motion.
As Men, and especially husbands, it is our responsibility to lead our families. There are no committees, there are no co-leaders, it is your position to either have or abdicate. I've come to realize that my (x)wife was asking me to resume and be the leader of our family when she asked this question "What do you want?". And during the last 2 years of our marriage, she asked me that question almost on a daily basis - at least up to the point where she had already mentally left and it didn't matter to her anymore. Now, I didn't know then, what I know now - so I took the question on face value, no underlying meaning - and thought she was asking if I wanted to stay married to her (as in "what do you want with me, why do you even want to stay married to me, what do you want in our marriage?"). Now I realize that she was telling me (through a question) to step up, to lead, to know what I wanted, to have a mission in my life again, to quit being such a "pussy" and be the man that she loved and used to be attracted to.
So, anyone that reads this and their wives are asking them that question - this is woman-speak for "you're not leading 'me' and I'm lost without a strong leader, please figure your shit out so I can get back to feeling safe and secure with you and attracted to you again". I didn't understand that at the time - now I do. I also realize I quit being the leader of my family - I didn't trust myself and there was just too much "risk" to want anything - from being happy, to sex with her, to kids being kids, to success or failure. So, it's not necessarily a surprise to me (now) that I'm no longer married.
You are either building Attraction or you're not
This one, I had NO CLUE about when I got married (and really much of a clue when I was single). It really was not something I thought about - sexual attraction. In fact, the word itself probably would have made me feel a bit uncomfortable (being sexual was a bad thing, right? it was like forcing myself on a woman, and they don't like that, right?) - and "building" attraction, what the hell is that? No blame here, but I grew up mostly around woman - mom and three sisters - my dad traveled during the week. And of course, I grew up in the time of "equality for all" - so there were lots of messages about how to be a better Man that were just completely wrong. And of course, one of the big lies was about being a "caring" husband.
With all that said - if you are a Man, it is up to you to build the attraction and to be sexually attractive. It's a natural thing - it's that way out in the wild - do we think humans are that far evolved from our primal selves? It is also up to the husband to continue (through his entire marriage) to keep the sexual tension and attraction going. Just because you've gotten married, potentially had a couple kids, are working your ass off to pay the bills - it is still up to you to create the attraction between you and your wife/SO or woman in general.
I didn't know that. I thought both of us got to cruise once we were married. Hey, all things equal, right. If I could cruise, then she could also. This was a partnership? NOPE - you never get to cruise, you never get to NOT think about how to keep your woman attracted to you. That's the way it is - and you can't change it. Once again, I quit trying to build attracting (keep the fire alive) and create sexual tension. I got fat (inactive), quit really caring about my personal appearance, quit hanging with my male friends, quit doing my stuff, starting saying "yes" in a effort to keep the peace, failed almost every shit test thrown at me - so is it really any wonder, that I now have an ex-wife?
You have choice...
You can either pick up the challenge or not. You can either lead or not. You can either create attraction or not. Those two things are either YES or NO - there is no grey middle ground. You're either doing them or your not - and if you are married - if the answer to either of those is NO, then you better figure out how to get it to a YES quickly - unless you want to head to divorce court and deal with all the shit it comes with.
Eyes front Gentlemen. Live, Learn, Lead.