Friday, December 13, 2013
A Moth to a Flame....
Deida, David (2004-10-01). The Way of the Superior Man - Kindle Edition.
Wanting someone to be different than they are, is the quickest way to create your own personal hell. I've thought about this a lot recently in relationship to my failed marriage and my (x)wife. We married because she was pregnant - that is a fact and a decision I made at the time. Now, to be honest, we hadn't know each other for very long before that it all happened. BUT (and this important) I knew enough about her - it wasn't like I was a kid, I was 34 and she was 27 - I was experienced enough to read people. I had been working professionally, dealing with people from all over the world, traveled a bit, lived in a few different places, dated casually, dated seriously, had my experience with both casual sex and sex within a relationship. I don't know how many woman I had dated, but enough to know generally who she was.
I don't believe I got into the relationship to "change" her - I was much more Alpha in attitude at 34 and she was the quintessential woman - just like the one mentioned above - wild, undisciplined, chaotic, fun, exciting to be around, very sexual - and I really fell for her. But then again, I was "on mission" - owned my own company, was making money, was respected, had a core group of male friends - in other words, I was confident and thought my shit didn't smell.
But I wondered as I look back about why I (and our marriage) went south. My conclusion is that I moved closer to her reality and moved further away from my mission. Now, this is all hind sight, because at the time, it was small imperceptible moves - it was coming home after traveling all week and having her throw the kids at me, saying "your turn"; it was allowing myself to not go play golf with my friends (eventually those friends just drifted away); it was allowing her to put the kids in "mother's day out" for the majority of the week; it was allowing her to spend money recklessly; it was a thousand things along the way. And there were a couple of big ones - allowing myself to stop "risking" in my professional life, because all of sudden I was burdened by debt, had a wife and three kids; buying the bigger house, when the smaller house would do; it was taking a "job" so I could have a paycheck. And along the way, with every "yes dear", she moved further way, and I had to move closer.
Now, I don't know if I tried to change her, or she changed me - but I did WANT her to be different, to be more of partner, to share the load - to not be this woman I married. She couldn't be anything other than who she was (is) - and to this day, I truly love her - she is still fun, still undisciplined, still chaotic, still very sexual. I still find myself drawn to her like a moth to flame or bright light. I don't want to do that - in reality, I just want to get away from her - she has moved on, but she fascinates me to the core - and I can't really explain it. It's my own personal addiction - and like all addicts, it will always probably be there.
Here's my point. She wasn't going to change - she is who she is. I was the one that changed, believing the lie that once married, the husband and wife work in partnership to make it all work. That's proabably true if the two people are more "middle" people - but if you are more of Man and she is more of a Woman - you can't change, you can't move, you can't get caught up in the all the chaos - because if you do, there will be hell to pay. Your marriage, your relationship, your wife, your kids, your life is dependent upon you remaining true to your nature. To be strong, to be a leader, to stand up, to make decisions, to live by those decisions, to risk, to plan -- the things that made you attractive in the first place to this woman.
Eyes front Gentlemen. Live, Learn, Lead.