Saturday, November 16, 2013

The Beta Husband (part 2)

I've been thinking about this post for a couple weeks - have pondered several scenarios, storylines, bullet points - and to tell you the truth, this is just going to be ramble, and we'll see where it goes.

I have to make a few points (again) within the context of the Beta Husband idea...

  • Before I met my wife, I was very happy, and life was going my way.  Meaning, my confidence tank was on full.  But I have to admit, I was the typical kid that grew up in the 70's - and pretty much took the whole "women are equal" and "don't hit girls" disparity as the truth - I never questioned it.
  • The relationship with my wife started as a ONS - we met at a bar and had sex that same night.  We did continue dating, but that's how it started.
  • From our early sexual encounter, she got pregnant - and I asked her to marry me.  So, the white knight was there to save the day.  Now, at the time, I had all those wonderful love feelings, was doing really well professionally, and was on a proverbial roll - it was more of a "this is great, this is what I want, I want a family" more than saving her from a life of shame.
  • So, in the end, I'm not saying that I was an Alpha to start, my analysis was that with regard to my dating life, I've been pretty Beta - so my tumble into the world of being a Beta Husband was just an extension, not a divergence.
With those points at context, you can imagine where I was headed, there was no other place to go, other than down the path of being a true Beta Husband.  Add to the mix, that I didn't really know this woman very well when we actually got married, with the fact that I was traveling every week - it was setup for failure from the beginning.  The fact that we made it 18 years is a complete miracle in my mind.

Now, by the end of my marriage, I didn't feel any love, appreciation, support, compassion, etc. from my wife.  In fact, if anything, there was just an indifference between us.  I had given up hope of having a loving relationship, but I also had to make sure I continued to make money and pay for our lives.  I was the workhorse, the mule plowing the field, and they don't get a choice - their lot in life is to work, and hopefully work hard enough not to get whipped to badly.  My cry for help was the day I told her that I "felt like a paycheck" to her - all I got from that was a ration of shit for a few days - with almost all her comments starting with "I can't believe you think..." - towards the end, I hated the sound of her coming or down the stairs - because I knew it was going to be something else.  Until, there wasn't enough left in the tank for even an argument.

The problem is, that was the end - and it took lots of decisions and missed opportunities to get there.  Those 1000 steps and 1000 cuts led us to that place - the Beta Husband allows those to happen, doesn't stop them, or tries and fails.  I re-read that last sentence and though "that's harsh, it takes two in a relationship" - and that's right, but it's the Man's responsibility to lead, not the woman's.  And if the Man doesn't do it, then his wife will fill that void - there isn't another choice to be made - at the end of the day, all woman are survivors.  So although it takes both a Husband and wife to create a fully functional (and happy) marriage, it is the sole responsibility of the Husband to lead, to make the tough decisions, to say NO, no stand firm and ultimately, to following his mission in life.  The family follows his lead.

That's about it for this one, there will be a part 3 - maybe something about those little decisions and cuts.

Eyes front Gentlemen.  Live, Learn, Lead.


1 comment:

  1. I think you actually had more of an advantage in the beginning than you thought, having started out having sex with her early.

    I believe that when you have sex with someone, you truly know them, because there's no more BS to play in terms of "are we gonna have sex or not". Sure, part of the power struggle element remains, latent, but the biggest obstacle to getting to know what the woman is really like is removed. Especially in today's world where everyone is encouraged to be so fake.

    Wald

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