Monday, October 14, 2013

Not very manly....

"And then depression sat in..."  John Winger, Stripes (1981)

Well, yesterday was an interesting day - got some news from the (x)wife and went over to talk about it.  It brought up lots of feelings of anger from events throughout our marriage.  Even though I was pissed, I didn't yell, there wasn't anything that suggested violence - it was more like just being very stern, being honest, and getting to the core of it all.

During the conversation, she mentioned she is in a serious relationship and wanted our kids to meet this new man.  Now I have no way of knowing whether this is real, or wishful thinking on her part - I don't know this other guy, what's on his mind, where he thinks it's going - anything.  Based upon what I've read over the past year and what I've become aware of during that same time - there's an even chance that she thinks it's going someplace (I guess down the we are going to be happy married path) and he's either (1) enthusiastically on board with it (2) tells her what she wants to hear, but doesn't really know what he wants to do or (3) has never said anything and could care less.

Part of me wants my marriage back, wanting that wonderful loving wife (and me the loving husband) that we had for the first part of our marriage.  Part of me loathes the idea of getting back with her and wants nothing more than her to get married and get off my payroll.

The biggest part of me wants to never give another woman any power over me - that's not to say, not have feelings and care about them - but not give them any real power over me as a person.  I continue to give the (x)wife power over me - oh, she'll say that she has none, that I don't really love (or care for) her and that all she felt I gave her during the last few years was contempt and hate.  But that's exactly what I would expect a woman to tell anyone that wanted to listen - to rationalize "I did everything to save our marriage" - to be the all loving wife and me being the dick of a man that she married, that she didn't really want to leave, but had no choice.

I hate this feeling.  I hate the fact that I still, to this day, would probably drop everything if she wanted me back, if she wanted to resume our marriage.  I hate the weakness I feel in those thoughts.

If anything, I miss the confident young man I was before I married and the first half of our marriage - I want that man back in my life - for no one else but me.  How do I do that?  I have no answers today - but hope to have some answers soon.

Keep fighting Gentlemen, it is your birthright to own this world, to be the captain of your own ship, to direct your life to it's ultimate conclusion.  But you have to fight for it, no one will give it to you, it has to be earned.

As a side after I took one of our kids to school, I went back to her house - and told her three things...(1) that I will always be someone she can depend on, the person she could call at "3 in the morning" to help her out, (2) that I still loved her deeply and (3) that the door would always be open to her and I had hoped her face would be the last I'd see as I left this life.  Wow, thinking about that now, it's amazing how much of a pussy I am.

Stay strong Brothers.  Live, Learn, Lead.

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