Tuesday, October 15, 2013
I walk alone...
The above was in response to a comment I made on another site. I liked the way he drove to the exact point - of "why" we feel so lost during times in our lives. It really comes down to self respect. The concept of oneitis revolves around putting someone "above" yourself - for woman, that means the "pedestal".
As I was thinking about this last night, about how this most current situation kicked me in the nuts and how I was really somewhat taken back by it. And the following is more of a stream of consciousness, than a real article or post...
What's causing me to even care about this...
- the first thing I came to, is that I still love her - but why do I love her? Especially today after the past three years? At the end of the day, she's the one that moved out, she's the one that has dated, she's the one that has gotten into "relationships" with other men. I own my responsibility to what happened to our marriage and relationship - my mistakes were many, but ultimately it comes down to abdicating the leadership position within my family. That was my greatest failure.
- the kids come in there pretty quickly...I have so much guilt when it comes to the kids. I still have not been able to reconcile this guilt - mostly, it's hidden from view, there are times when it bubbles to the surface. I feel bad for my kids - they spend the majority of time with their mother, and now with another man in the picture, they will spend more time with both of them. That hurts - and when I dwell on it, I tear up. One of the greatest joys in my life has been being a dad - I've made lots of decisions over the past 18+ years because of my kids.
- And then there is the childish "how could she..." -- nothing about that statement is "manly" - it's childish, it's a very "poor pitiful me" statement and looking for someone else to fix the situation. That one has to go away quickly and be buried totally.
- I encouraged her being a SAHM when the kids were young. But when we purchased our second house, she stated she'd get a job to help with the additional expenses. That never happened - in fact, there were additional expenses associated with her own business and her desire to become a fitness instructor.
Now, I also think through the positives...
- I get a significant amount of money that I get to keep. If you look at "combined" income (although she still refers to it a "when we get paid" our "our paycheck") - it's mostly mine - in fact over 90% is mine (closer to 95% is mine). I pay for car insurance. I pay for her health coverage. I have paid (traditionally) for all the extras the kids needed or wanted. And she has been physically able to work, she just doesn't want to work.
- with the additional money, I can do some things for the kids - cars, trips, college, activities - things that I have not been able to easily do, because of the expense of supporting two households.
- the biggest positive would be full closure on that chapter of my life. It fully closes the books on it - and any lingering fantasies of getting the marriage back are gone. Anything that happened in the future - would all be new - with new rules and assumptions.
That's about all I can do right now, this has been good for me, but also a very big drain on me emotionally.
Stay strong Brothers. Live, Learn, Lead.