Saturday, May 21, 2016

IDGAF ... the only attitude you need

Success a life built upon your own terms is not all that hard to explain, but for the majority of Men, it is really hard to achieve.  When I say success, I don't mean money or women or things - it actually means one simple thing - Success on Your Terms - whatever that means to you, not me, not society, not your family, your friends, your dog, or any other person in the world - just you.

To that point, there is one simple mindset that can help - if you truly want to strip away everything you've been taught, or thought you knew - an it is this very simple anagram:

I -- I
D -- Don't
G -- Give
A -- A
F -- Fuck

Think about that for a second and then just understand the over-riding simplicity of it.  If your mindset is IDGAF then who is actually at the center of your life - it has to be you ... and if IDGAF is the central theme, who is driving "what life means to me"? Once again, it has to be you.

Basically is takes "outcome independence" to the extreme - and we have to get to that extreme to be able to have any balance - because we have been taught to "give a fuck" about everything and every body in our lives FIRST, before we ever think about ourselves.  As Men, you are pounded day in and day out about how it's more important to think about other people - but is it?  Is it more important to think so much about other people, that you can't even answer a simple question like "So do you want?" - because if I want something, that means someone else can't have it.

Personally, I'm not there.  I still give a fuck about too many things - and those are usually other people-oriented things.  I care what others think of me, I care what my kids think of me, I care what my family thinks about me, I care what my friends think of me, I care what people I don't even know care about me, I care what my (x)wife thinks of me, I care, I care, I care ... and guess how well that's been working for me.

I keep asking myself, what would happen if I just didn't give a fuck what anyone else thought.  I don't give a fuck what my credit score was, I don't give a fuck if I ever get laid again, I don't give a fuck about what I said?  What would happen?  Would I be liked less?  Probably, but the opposite might be, that I respect myself more.  Would I people not want to be around me?  Probably the people I have around me today, but I might also find people I like to be around more.  Would I have less stuff, potentially die poor?  Sure, but who says more stuff is better?  Maybe less stuff is better, or maybe the stuff I really like is the best stuff to keep?

We care so much, about what other people think about us - that we are willing to do things we hate, live with situations that make us unhappy, go to jobs that suck the life from us, help people we could less about, talk about subjects that bore us, and on and on and on.

I've really come to the conclusion that caring less about THAT and caring more about ME is the way forward.  I've been thinking about going "nomad" in a couple years - having nothing but my truck, a tent, my laptop/phone, and no idea where I'm going to see or do next.  What I do to "make a living" is not location dependent - so not worried about that.  Most people wonder mostly about how "but you won't have any support system" ... well, I don't have much of one now.  There are only a couple people that would bail me out of jail or help me if I was stranded at 4am, so what if I just decided to be self-reliant?

Just some thoughts I've had recently ... be interesting to live your life like that.

Eyes front Gentlemen.  Live. Learn. Lead.

Monday, May 16, 2016

5 reasons why I'm happily divorced

Life a journey ... how many times have you heard that one and thought to yourself ... "yea, but the journey sucks".  You'll get through this ... that's another one that I heard, and just hated.

Both of those are true. We are all living testaments to it. That our lives are a series of events, both good and bad, filled with laughter and tears - times when our heart leaps, and other times when it breaks.  The only real thing I've learned in my 50+ years of life is this ...

Nothing Lasts For Ever, Everything Goes Away and Ends

It's a simple truth, that if you don't come to grips with, can tear you to pieces and leave you in the ditch, dying a slow death.

So, why am I writing today? Because there was another life event which happened yesterday - my daughter graduated from High School, and is not on her journey to whatever lies next in her life (at the present time, it's college).  I also had the opportunity to spend time with all my kids, (x)wife and her extended family.  Once I got home last night, I was amazed at how my life has changed over the past few years, and how content I am with it in general.  Are there areas of improvement?  You bet your ass there is, I'm not dead, so there is always something that can be improved.  But in general, I'm good with all of it.  So, I thought about five things that I really enjoy about being divorced, thought I'd share...

1) I don't have to take things personally anymore
My (x)wife took a couple shots at me yesterday during our time together. Underhanded comments, those cross-eyed looks, etc. - those things would have landed with such power during our marriage, and I would have either catered to her in some way, apologized for something or gotten mad as hell and stewed.  I didn't do any of that.  I don't have to - I'm not married to here anymore.

2) I don't have to "support" her version of the truth
Have you ever heard your wife say something and you thought to yourself "that's complete bullshit" - I have on more than one occasion.  Since she's my (x)wife, I get to make a choice, to listen and just roll my eyes, say something, call her on her bullshit or do nothing at all.  Anything is an option, because I don't have to support her version of the truth - I don't have to pump her up - I'm not on the sideline being her cheerleader anymore.

3) I can "hang" out with her, but I know I get to leave
There is power in knowing that I can leave at anytime.  I don't have to stay.  When I was married, I believed I had to "take" everything, including spending time with her, without an option to leave. I don't mind spending time around her, and since we have kids, there are times when it happens.  But I also know, I can walk away from her - could she get mad, upset, rand-n-rave about it - sure, but I don't care and if she does, she can go yell at the fence post.

4) I don't feel stuck or lost anymore
I hated the fact my family was broken up - and I didn't get to see my kids every night. That was the worst part of the divorce, not being a part of my kids lives - physically - on a day in, day out basis.  That took a significant amount of adjustment.  It's been five years since my (x)wife and I separated - about three since the divorce - the most powerful and wonderful thing in my life is that I don't feel stuck in a single place.  I can do what I want, when I want, how I want.  I don't have to include anyone in my decisions.  The decisions are mine and the outcomes are mine.  That is liberating.

5) Each day is a new day
If you take everything, and boil it down - what is left is that simple truth - Every Day I Wake UP, I Can Make New Choices.  I never felt that way while being married.  I had responsibilities.  I had people depending on me.  I was carrying the load, plowing the field, making things work.  I didn't have time to thing about me, what I wanted, who I was, where I was going - I was "doing" everyday for one thing ... my family.  I still do that.  I still have obligations, but I don't feel the burden of them.  I know if I stopped doing them, there might be some pissed off people, but the world would still turn, and the sun would still rise.

Now, here's the point ... it took me being divorced to find out those five things ... and I'm still working through how to turn those to my advantage. What I didn't know, is that you can have those things married or single.  None of them is exclusively a "single" thing - they are a mindset.  I chose to be mad; I chose to feel stuck; I chose to limit my opportunities.  Those were choices I made, based upon a crappy set of false rules I learned from a broken society that doesn't exist anymore.  So, if you've read this far, just realize - you can take years to get to some or all of those, or you can take days.  You can be single, married, divorced, widowed, in a LTR or multiple LTRs.  Ultimately, you make all the choices - it really is that simple.

Eyes front gentlemen.  Live. Learn. Lead.

Friday, February 19, 2016

Outcome Independence: it's not just for meeting women

Outcome Independence is talked about a lot ... specifically where it relates to your mental attitude with meeting, dating and interacting with women.  But it is so much more than that - if done right, it becomes a core belief for your life.

Let's look at what it really means first ... and to do that, let's look at each word separately

Outcome: the way a thing turns out; a consequence.

Simply put, an outcome is a result.  You do something and something happens.  When we experiment, we have an outcome - it may be what we expected (our assumption or hypothesis) or it could be something completely different.

In the world of sports (let's take American Football), each play (experiment) has and outcome (how many yards gained or lost) - each play has an outcome and the game itself is a culmination of "small" outcomes (the score).

Independence: the fact or state of being independent (meaning of independent: [1] free from outside control; not depending on another's authority and [2] not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence)

Since Independence is a derivative word, we have to look first at the primary word - Independent - which has two distinct meaning, because both are important.  The first - "not depending on another's authority" and second - "not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence" - when combined, create a solid foundation for "independence" in one's life.

When we bring them together, we end up with something that means:  When you act in an independent way, and live your life with independence, you OWN the consequence.  And if you are truly independent (not relying on another's authority or on someone else for your life - it you fully understand - it really is up to you.

Outcome Independence is not about going out and "sarging" to get laid.  It's not about ramping up your courage to go talk to a "beautiful" girl - it's about a belief in your life - that everything you do in your life is up to you, no on else.  It's about taking ownership of YOU (the good, the bad and the ugly) and owning it all (thoughts, actions and consequences).  If taken to the extreme, it is a belief that we are both independent and responsible (both of which are core to being a Man).

Now, let's just for a second, think beyond "fucking women" for a second and look at how this belief can become a core one within your life ...

- School/Education:  First of all, it is up to you what you put into your brain - what you want to learn.  You can decide that you want a formal education - Bachalors, Masters, PhD, etc. - in fact, it may be the only way for you to have/be involved in your chosen career.  OR you decide formal education is BS and you want to learn on your own.  Having Outcome Independence says - do it your way, just don't bitch if it doesn't work out like you thought it would.

- Career/Business/Making Money:  Being truly independent is a (not dependent on someone else for your livelihood) may mean you start your own business.  It also means, you may decided to be an employee - at it's core it means whatever the path you choose, you own it.  If you start and fail, you own it.  If you work for someone and get fired or laid off, you own it.  If you only make $10 and hour, you own it.  If you make $1000 and hour, you own it.

- Health/Fitness:  I'm sure you're starting to get the idea here, but if you want to look like a Greek God, if that's the outcome you want, you will need to put in the work to do it.  But what if you never look like that?  That's where the other end of the equation comes in - if you don't make it, you own that too.  Also, if you obtain it - and then loose it - it's on you again.

So, Outcome is the consequence, Independence (for lack of a better word) is the  the attitude.  If you have a core belief of "Outcome Independence" you know you own every result you get, but that you are also independent of that result.  If the result is not what you wanted - realize it, don't be devastated by it, and try again OR decide that thing is not for you.  On the other hand, if the result is what you want, celebrate it, but realize it is only one "outcome" a singular event - life goes on.

So as a way to end ... I'm just going to repeat what is in the graphic above ... as my personal definition of Outcome Independence ... click here, to see what others say it means ...

the CORE belief in yourself as an independent Man

owning the consequences of your thoughts & actions 

with the understanding...failure it not defeat & success if not victory

Eyes front Gentlemen.  Live. Learn. Lead.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

You can't make up this stuff ... from Craigslist Missed Connections

The following was found on Craigslist Missed Connections.  Not going to say what city or where you can find it, doesn't matter, here it is, unedited.  You really can't make up this stuff - and to think only a few years ago I had never heard the term "misogynist" used at all - now, I see it almost on a daily basis.  Truly amazing - teach your Sons, knowledge will be their only defense.

Eyes front Gentlemen.  Live. Learn. Lead.


You know who you are - w4m 
© craigslist

You are a misogynistic narcissist who abuses women. You use manipulation to make them appear psychologically unstable in order to further degrade, debase, invalidate, isolate, and entrap them. You prey on emotionally and psychologically vulnerable people and then push them as far as you can until you can publicly decry them and call them the disturbed party. You use narcissistic abuse to seduce and degrade. You call women obsessed when they have a legitimately angry and confused psychological and/or emotional reaction to your abuse. Make no mistake. No matter who you are: he is using you. He is carefully orchestrating your opinion of him and your opinion of others. You are his stepping stone. He is your ally if he wants something from you, wants something you have, or he believes your opinion matters. Nothing matters to him besides your positive regard of him and his image and your contempt for the people who see through him. All he has beneath his exterior is contempt for you and pathological, envious, rage. He will construct elaborate facades of caring, compassion, and respect but he respects no one. If he wants to spend time with you, it's because he believes you have social currency or information he can use against you or someone else. He is a psychological and emotional abuser who uses gaslighting, invalidation, manipulation, stonewalling, deceit, and aggression, to humiliate and degrade the women closest to him. He preys on women who are already emotionally or psychologically vulnerable. If you support him or his art, you are supporting psychological and emotional abuse and violation. You know who you are.

Men who are true allies of women: Do not align yourselves with abusers or misogynists, even covert ones. Do not support abusers. Question the motives of men who spew even borderline sexist remarks. Educate yourselves about abusive relationships and don't be afraid to talk about abuse you've experienced.

Women: Educate yourselves about narcissism, and know the signs of a pathological relationship. These people are usually well liked and reputable because they are experts of facade and manipulation, but they are dangerous to your psychological health. Know what emotional abuse tactics are and protect yourself. Google the terms "smear campaign" and "gaslighting". Do not allow yourself to move too quickly or be too empathetic. You can't help insidious people. There are resources out there if you find yourself involved with abusers. There is help. This type of abuse can be more damaging than physical or sexual abuse. No matter how it seems, you're not alone. There are advocates for you.

You know who you are.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Life is a numbers game ...

Life is a numbers game ... almost every aspect of it.

Think about it ... it really is all about the numbers you put in (from making money, to learning something new, to meeting women, to getting into a relationship, to divorce, to getting over "the one") ... it's all about the numbers.

I'm just going to take the MS/PU world for a second, and throw out something about "picking up women" ... and put some numbers behind it, just so you have a reference point for my thinking on the subject (but in reality, you could put almost anything in there - as John Greene mentions in his book Mastery we all go through a process from Novice to Master and it's all about putting in your time) ...

Imagine you go out tonight, to a bar/club with at least 200 people - split 50/50 between men and women.  Think of this, out of the 100 women, you will fall into one of three categories (keeping it short, because women probably have 10 categories, but they are variations of these three major ones):

Category 1:  They don't even notice you.  You are white noise in their life.
Category 2:  They notice you, but have absolutely not interest in you.  Any reason here will do, but you are just "there" - you exist, they acknowledge that much, but nothing else.
Category 3:  They notice you, and have some level of interest in you.  They may or may not send signals your way, but as they saw you, there was something they like(d).

Now, each of these 100 women will have their own personal scale - no two will be the same.  If you asked each of them to put the 100 men in one of those three categories, each list would be different.  If two were alike, it's only because one woman was looking over the shoulder of another and cheated.  You can't predict which category you will fall into on any single given night - because there will be some nights where you will be in majority of women's Cat3 and others where you will be in every woman's Cat1.  It just happens - unless you are "someone" (rock star, sports star, movie star, etc.).

With me so far?  Out of the 100 women, there will only be a percentage that will put you in her personal Cat3 list.

Now, if we simplify things and say we as Men have the same prioritized list of the 100 women, then it becomes much easier to fathom the idea about "failure" (as in, you go out with the hopes of picking up a woman, yet you go home alone).  Because, you list of Cat3 women may be a higher percentage, but if you are not on their Cat3 list, it doesn't matter.  And that just gives you the "prospects" of picking up a woman - you still have to work at it to make it happen.

Put some numbers to this little theory ...

Breakdown for a woman might be ... Cat1=50%, Cat2=30%, Cat3=20%
For a man it might be Cat1=20%, Cat2=40%, Cat3=40%

That's why, you have to be aware of your environment and specifically your target(s).  You have 40 woman on your Cat3 list - which may be an unattainable number to work on.  You have to figure out how to move that number to the best 10 or 20 (maybe) - so work on awareness all 40, look for subtle cues.  But my point is - it is a numbers game.  Although, you may believe you can "pickup anyone" the truth is, the majority of women you meet could give two shits about whether you are drawing breath or not.

And I could have used a business situation or a goal situation or an education situation.  No matter what, it is a numbers game.  Once you start to become aware of that one fact, and that under most circumstances, there will be lots of failure along the way - it becomes much easier to just push through and get to work.

Eyes front Gentlemen.  Live. Learn. Lead.

Saturday, February 6, 2016

A letter to my son …

Thought I’d write to you, I know the basics of the situation and understand how life takes its twists and turns, sometimes we never know exactly how a situation will turn out. Just know, that it is all part of something bigger and the path is never straight.

There is a book by James Allen called As A Man Thinketh, that I’ve read more often than I can count. He takes a verse from the Bible as the premise of the book, Proverbs 23 verse 7 …
“as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he”
It’s a very short book, only about 30 pages, exploring that one idea — thoughts are powerful, they are the one thing that will drive your life in any number of directions — either good or bad. In one part of his book, he says (and this isn’t a direct quote) “man is not made by his circumstances, he is revealed by them”. I’ve always thought that was one of the most powerful things I’ve ever read — and it has both provided me with hope, and scared the hell out of me at the same time.

Right now, at this moment in your life, everything you’ve done, everything you’ve thought … has brought you to this moment. When you look back, sometimes you can see it, sometimes you can’t. Doesn’t matter — it’s true. The question isn’t really “why am I here?” as much as “where am I going?”. You have an opportunity (that most people don’t get) to spend time thinking about that last question — regardless of how you got to this place, you are here — it is up to you to take advantage of it, no one else.

Your Mom and I have talked about you and your current situation, she has shared with me some of the stories from events I wasn’t fully aware, and she has shared with me her deep, deep feelings of love for you. I understand, I can never know the whole story — I can never know every nuance of those moments — I’m getting a single perspective which is never the whole picture.

What I’d like for you to understand is this … your life is yours, no one else’s. There are people in your life that want nothing by the best for you, want nothing but success, happiness and joy. Nothing less than a life filled to the brim with “your best life”. They want those things for you — but they can’t make it happen for you — only you can make it happen. You know that, you’ve heard it from so many people during your life — they want it for you, they just can’t give it to you — you have to GIVE it to yourself.
The dark side of that truth and what most people won’t tell you, is that it’s hard and there is absolutely no guarantee you will ever actually achieve it. No matter how much you bust your ass, no matter how much work you put in — results will always vary. That reality sucks — embrace it — getting angry and upset about it will only make it all harder.
Anger will never give you the results you want, it will only get in the way and derail your path.
I told you once, you have to have that BIG thing out there — that thing you want in life. When we talked, I focused on “what you wanted to do” — but that big thing can actually be anything and in any area of your life. The reason you need to find and define it is this simple fact … once you have that BIG thing, the thousands of crappy things that happen right now, will never have the same significance and will never seem as important, because you can put it all into perspective. You can put up with a ton of crap, if there’s a big enough reason.
You can deal with anything, including all the HOWs, if the WHY is big enough
My wish for you is two-fold. (1) you will find your BIG thing, whatever that is and (2) you will use these next few months to find it, to define it, to visualize it. If you can, I promise, everything in your past, will fall into place. You will have such clarity, you will be amazed at both yourself and all the “things” that have happened (and will happen) in your life.

We are all star-gazers, we are all dreamers, never allow yourself to be the one to tell YOU it’s impossible, never limit yourself — because we are the worst judges of our own potential. Allow other people to tell you it’s not possible, then prove them wrong. Challenge yourself to reach that next level, to take that next step — quit thinking about how hard it is, and start thinking about how it will feel to get there.
You can endure anything for one minute, and your life is lived one minute at a time — it is the total of all those minutes that matters, not just a single one.
Find your BIG thing, embrace it, integrate it — then start living it. Your life is lived going forward, not backward. So eyes forward, because that’s where your life is coming from. Live, learn, lead — you have in you, believe it.

Eyes front Gentlemen.  Live. Learn. Lead.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Discipline ... the missing ingredient

This is a bit random, but I got a couple books the other day - none related to "Man" issues - but as I read them, I thought how I've never built any real discipline in my life.  I've actually had it fairly easy - sure, I've had some ups and downs, and some of the downs have been brutal, but I've normally weathered those stores without really doing much - just flowed them.

That got me thinking about discipline.  And how the world we live in is fairly comfortable, even in the really bad times, we have it much better than our predecessors had it a hundreds or thousands of years ago.  No matter how "hard" my life is (or I perceive it to be), there are people that have real struggles every day.

Most of that comes down to "wanting" to be comfortable.  Why do people not diet and exercise?  It's because they would rather be comfortable.  There is volumes of evidence that even modest exercise and a small changes to our diet can have a huge impact on our health - yet we continue to be fat and lazy.

I was reading about intermittent fasting the other day - the benefits are amazing - yet most people can't go without eating something for an additional few hours a day, they'd rather graze all day and not "feel" the discomfort of being hungry (although they know they WILL be eating in a few hours).

How about that advice about not contacting the girl that told you she didn't want to see you anymore?  The advice is solid - yet there is discomfort in doing it, so many of will (and I admit, I've done it) will just sent that little text, or make that call, or setup that "chance" meeting - because we can't stand the bit of discomfort from "not doing something".

And of course, there is my personal favorite, because I've been plagued with it all my life - the discomfort of possibly "looking stupid" or "awkward".  God forbid we put ourselves in a situation where we might actually be humiliated in front of complete strangers (because most of don't have the same problem with people we know).  It has stalled many careers in business, just because there was a fear of the reaction - and you'll never be able to be successful in sales without being able to move beyond that comfortable feeling.

Now, with all that as setup - here's the punchline ...

Everything worthwhile in my life has taken effort, has pushed me beyond my comfort zone, and has taken discipline to achieve - EVERYTHING

I'm not talking about risk, or getting beyond your fear, I'm talking about discipline to do something.  To get up at 5am and work on writing; to skip a couple meals a day;  to put on those workout clothes when that is exactly what you don't want to do;  to "not" send that send, and get your mind focused on something else; or to ask that question, make that call, approach that girl.

You can have a "fuck it" attitude, you can have no fear, you can have everything else - but without at least a small amount of discipline - any gains you make, will be lost eventually.  And that's the point - with sticking to it, all the time, with a iron-force - nothing you achieve will last.  It takes discipline to keep those things in your life.  Especially those things you truly care about - whatever they are.

So, that's what I was thinking about as I read one of the books I purchased - how I have never really had any "real" discipline in my life.  The only hope I have, is that it is merely a "muscle" I haven't cared to exercise - that it can be developed, and I can achieve some level going forward.

Eyes front Gentlemen.  Live. Learn. Lead.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Lots of things are cheaper than a divorce ...

I saw this and thought to myself ... that is such a true statement.  That motorcycle, no matter how expensive or the price tag, will always be cheaper than a divorce.

But then again, almost anything could be pictured ... a house (or two), a car, a vacation, your day-to-day life ... all those things will be cheaper than a divorce.

I don't believe there would have been anyway for anyone to dissuade me from getting married.  It was in my head - it was the "next" thing to do in my life.

Complete College - check.  
Get a Job - check
Travel some - check
Make some money - check
Have fun, get laid - check

I had done all the "things" and it was time (for me it was post 30) to get married, have kids, start a family (with all the right stuff to make it a winning combination - house, cars, daycare, private schools, etc).  So, just sayin' ... no one would have been able to take me off my path ... what I didn't realize at the time, that was just "programming" ... that's what I had been told all my life, that was the plan - in fact, I was late to the party!!

I struggle with keeping that thought in mind today - post divorce (by three years), post breakup with a woman I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with - that it is all just programming (the soft parts of it too), and with any program, it can be changed.

My advice - keep your emotions in check, and always allow your logical side to have a say in what you do - whatever it is ... and marriage is a really big one.  Think about it.

Eyes front Gentlemen.  Live. Learn. Lead.

Monday, January 25, 2016

8 Traits of the Sexy Modern Woman (lies of the blue pill world)

Even LinkedIn has it's share of this kind of crap ... I saw this today and thought to myself, "why is this here?" and then I noticed it was created by a "man" - which made me wonder why he did it.

It doesn't take much imagination to understand the reason, it makes perfect sense and all 8 points are right out of the playbook.

Three things struck me - without even reading the 8 points - here they are the order of head wacking ...

1. The picture of the woman - not that she's unattractive, but she is "older" - don't know exactly what age, but my thought is early 40's (could be younger I guess).  But the point is, the picture is of someone that is well into her life.  Not a young thing that sparks the sexual imagination of Men of all ages.  Just a "woman" - attractive, not beautiful or stunning - just a better than average looking woman.  Also, if they wanted to get real with this picture, she would have been anywhere from 20 to 30 pounds overweight (surprised about that actually).

2. The word "sexy" in the headline.  Nothing in the list mentions anything that is actually sexy - or creates desire within a Man.  Believe we have gotten away from the really meaning of sexy, which is an adjective meaning "sexually attractive or exciting" or "sexually aroused".  If anything on that list actually got me aroused, then I need to work on myself, because I've got problems.

3. The list was created by a "man" - it doesn't take much imagination to figure out where his mind, body and spirit are ... they are firmly in the belief of the "strong, independent woman" world.  Anyone that has delved into even a few articles or blogs in the Manosphere, could see nothing but "programming" within those eight points.  From the headline, to the picture, to the text - it is how we are supposed to think about women - they are kind, they are capable, they are caring - oh and of course, they are so very sexy in all those things.


I'm not going to go into each point.  In reality, if you've found this article, you are already deep within the various thoughts of the Manosphere - you didn't find this blog by accident, you found it because it was listed someplace.  That being said, this is the kind of crap that is being fed to the world - and to our sons and daughters.  These are messages - the one they hear on a daily basis.  For me, it took getting my ass kicked by having my (x)wife leave me and wondering "why did this happen" to find out we have been sold a marketing message - reality is somewhere hidden underneath.

I'm not bitter, what I am is angry - and not at women - I'm mad because there is a truth out there about our natures (both Men and women), but no one wants to talk about them in "polite" conversation.  We are sold a bill of goods, we are told one thing, when the truth lies in another direction.  We are told (and it is drilled into us) that women matter, Men don't ... that it's OK for women to be whatever they want to be ... in fact, a "real" Man will help them get there.

All those 8 points are somewhat true about women.  Each one of them can be stated as a "sometimes" fact - because they do act that way, sometimes.  The problem is, none of those things are sexy - a woman being ambitious is not sexy (at least to Man) - all those things potentially are sexy to other woman, for the mere fact, that each of those eight are male traits.  They are what make Men attractive and sexy to women...if you don't believe me, just replace any reference to a woman, replace it with a Man, and read the list again.

Eyes front Gentlemen.  Live. Learn. Lead.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

START 2016 RIGHT ... this is the best post ever on NMMNG Forum

The following is from the No More Mr Nice Guy forum ... I have no idea how old it is, and I have to fully admit - I didn't write it and didn't copy down the author's "handle" or name.  I will fully attribute it - because I re-read it at least three or four times a year - it is that powerful and helps to keep me centered.  It is here in it's entirety - not edited.  Once again, I DID NOT WRITE THIS ... but wanted to share it.

Any day is a good day to change, to become strong, to become more.  We utilize the change of the year to make resolutions, which is basically bullshit - it's convenient, my suggestion is re-create yourself every day, be just a bit better the next five minutes than you were the previous.  We really do have much more control than we give ourselves credit - we choose what we believe, we choose who is in our lives, we choose what we do for a living, we choose the clothes we wear, we choose the food we eat, we choose to exercise - only a few of the things in our lives are "just there" and can't be changed.  Read the following article/response below - it is up to you to have the life you want.  [here's the link to the book]

Eyes front gentlemen.  Live. Learn. Lead


I won’t go thought the whole multi-quote thing, I'll just address some points.

1) "Recovery is not black or white, it's gradients of grey."
No, it's not. You must, at some point in your life, if you wish to get on with your life say "I am now recovered" and start acting like it. This alone will do more for your "growth" than anything else.

2) "Growth" is important.
Only if you are a child, or a plant. At some point in your life you likely said to yourself "I am now an adult". Then you started acting like one. You took on more self-discipline, left behind childish things and took on more responsibility. You didn't magically stop having fun, or turn into a new person, you simply manned up (I hope). After that, it's called "building even more strength".

3) Do not mistake "recovery" as a destination or a stage in life.
It isn't. It's a choice. It's the choice that says "I recognize that I'm an adult animal in this world. I recognize the rules of reality and that they trump the chemical flows in my body. I choose to accept reality on ITS terms, simply because I have no choice." Recovery means "I've had enough of this bullshit, I'm moving on". And then you do. It's not an absolute measured on an intellectual scale, but how you choose to respond in a world that gives a leap about you only as long as you serve its rules and purpose.

4) "It's not fair"
Those are the words of children. This is the real world. It is unfair from the point of view of the victim. That is their rallying cry. In nature, if you are faced with being killed by a bear do you yell "It's unfair" and the universe magically rearranges itself for you? You have a choice: You can wait for the world to "be fair" to you, or you can deliberately choose to up your strength, skills and acumen to handle life so that YOU are the one that comes out the winner in a situation.

5) "You shouldn't impose judgement".

But I will anyway: I judge you as being a wimpy-ass moaner, complainer and weakling.

Well? I've just judged you, even though you think I "shouldn't". What are you going to do about it? What CAN you do about it? Nothing. Or do you think that your personal rules have ANY effect on the universe or the people around you? Newsflash: When it comes down to it, nobody cares about you without putting themselves first. Not your mother, not your children, not your wife, not your best friend. Treat them in a way that they don't like and they WILL dump you. They will put themselves first. They may give you lots of chances, but keep acting like an asshole, and you'll find out how much "they care" or are dedicated to you. There IS a limit, and if you aren't aware that love is not unconditional, then you need to open your eyes and look around. We are not a special and individual little snowflakes.

HERE is a great judgment: Go look at the name of all the threads you've started, collectively. They are a good reflection of your mind. Now go and look at mine. I point out mine because I am recovered, and most of you have not made that choice yet. See the difference. What's your next post going to look like?

Here's another judgment: You know why I don't come around as much? Because a) I have a life, and b) no matter how much I try to help, inspire, guide, offer techniques or my experience, insights, ideas, the best that I get is a momentary flush of "Rah-rah-rah you're so cool Mr. Zeph!" energy, and a week later, 90% of you are still moaning and pissing. I sometime log on, scan the thread titles and think "Fuck it, this is a waste of my time." The only reason do I come back from time to time is the few who are just working it. And notice the title of the thread that I DID respond to.

I desperately want you guys to get out of your slumps, to be happy and strong and to populate the earth with one more strong, potent and happy man, but I can't do it for you. There's not a thing I can do to change it or even help if you guys won't make the simple choice to be men, who on a common daily basis build their lives. I want this this place to be a place where men learn the attitude and skills required so that they stand tall, strong and proud. "Sharing" is nice. Teaching each other to stand strong is better.

6) Lots of guys here act as if their future is unlimited.
You are going to get old. Too old to attract that nice young fresh woman. You are going to to live long enough to see a number of your friends leave you, or die. And you won't be able to change those relationships. You are going to get to be too old to work energetically and create a new life for yourself. Welcome to living on old-age pensions, or in a home. Then you are going to die.

Now, put yourself on your death bed, and remember today, and ask yourself "If I had a choice of moaning on a web forum, and worry about 'growing' and 'fairness' would I do it over again? Or would I have asked that chick on a date? Would I have gotten rid of that jerk in my life and found decent people to be with? Would I have spent my time living like a shut-in, afraid of the world, or would I choose to do something that I've always wanted to do?"

Are you older than 18 years old? Get the fuck out of the house.

Are you still a virgin and it bugs you? Learn how the mating game works and earn your first lay though simple social skills.

Are you broke, poor and/or unemployed? Get a job, even if you despise it. Hard work is the basic minimum requirement for being alive on planet earth. Moaning that there are no jobs or that the economy is bad is a pussy attitude. If you don't have skills, learn them. If you keep getting blown out at interviews, learn how to do them. MAKE YOUR LIFE!

Are you intimidated by someone? Stand up to them even if they beat the crap out of you. And DO NOT give up until you win or are unconscious. Better to lose your job or your teeth getting the shit kicked out of you while you refused to bow, than to lose your soul by slinking away.

Are you resentful? Quit thinking like a weakling and a victim. Resentment is the kind of ego-coddling that only happens when you think you've lost. And if you do nothing, you WILL lose. Get off your ass and deal with your shit.

Are you married to someone who is ruining your life? Gain so many skill and improve your life so much that either they leave you, or that leaving them is no big deal. And if you have kids, being stronger will serve as a better example than being weaker. And if their brainwashed little minds hate you forever? Deal with it. Life is not fair. Best you can do is to act accordign to your integrity.

Are you scared? So what? It's built into you to be scared. Start your own mental/physical/emotional/spiritual weight lifting program.

Recovery is not when you GET strong, it is when you CHOOSE to get and be strong.

So you have a choice: Be a soft-skinned, estrogen based softie man that gets trampled on, or become a strong energetic man who works his mind and body to create the life he wants, and enjoys.
Strength. Dignity. Honour. 

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

There are three types of people in this world ...

As I watched American Sniper, this scene from Chris Kyle's childhood stood out to me.  For no other reason, than his Father broke down the world and people in it into three simple groups.  I'm really not writing about which group someone should or shouldn't belong to, that's really an individual choice - it was interesting from the mere fact that if you think about it - and really ponder it - there's a ton of truth in that scene and the quote below.

If you haven't seen the movie, I highly recommend it.

Wayne Kyle speaking to his sons as they ate dinner:

"There are three types of people in this world: sheep, wolves, and sheepdogs.
Some people prefer to believe that evil doesn't exist in the world, and if it ever darkened their doorstep, they wouldn't know how to protect themselves. Those are the sheep.
Then you've got predators who use violence to prey on the weak. They're the wolves.
And then there are those blessed with the gift of aggression, an overpowering need to protect the flock. These men are the rare breed who live to confront the wolf. They are the sheepdog."

From "American Sniper" (2014)
Based upon the story of Chris Kyle (1974-2013), US Navy, Chief Petty Office, Sniper Element, Platoon "Charlie", SEAL Team 3

Eyes Front Gentlemen.  Live. Learn. Lead.

Monday, December 7, 2015

It's Your Life ... Reclaim it

There is nothing as important in life as finding your center.  As we pass through life, our center shifts and moves.  There are times in our lives where if you looked at it, it would make you feel sick to your stomach - from all the movement and jittering around.  Normal or not, right or wrong, left or right - doesn't matter where you fall, there are times when you are not the center - someone (or something) else will be.

This is not advocating if that's right or wrong - it just is a fact of life - we replace ourselves and put other people in our center.  Too many reason to list for the whole population of Men, but here are a few people I've put in the center and moves off stage left in the process ...

  • My Mom/Dad ... growing up, we are dependent upon our parents or caregivers for everything.  Of course, they occupy the center, we don't know any better
  • Girlfriends (s) ... we are taught to be "gentlemen", to accomplish this, we put these girls in the center, put ourselves off to the side
  • Wife ... one again, same lesson as above, we do what we are taught, we dutifully move over and put them in the top spot in our lives
  • Kids (mine) ... I know, I'm the Dad, but that doesn't mean we don't do things to help them out, at the detriment of ourselves (many times at the bidding of our wives)
  • Jobs/Career/Profession ... it's easy to make the paycheck a central object of desire 
I'm sure there are Men that will have a shorter or longer list, but all will have decided at sometime or another to put someone else in their center.  I'm here to remind you, no can occupy your center better than YOU.  Absolutely no one.

I've been reminded by that fact a few times over the past few months.  Everytime I put someone or something else there, shit hits the fan.  Eventually, after enough, you push them out of the way (or in some cases, you gently move them) and regain, reclaim, and conquer the center again.  Whatever metaphor you want to you ... Capture the Flag (it's your flag, demand it) ... King of Hill (it's your hill, time to reclaim it).  It is your life, it is your center, have the strength to stay there, and if you recognize you're not there, grab your balls and make it happen.

Awareness is key.  Do it sooner, rather than later is the only thing I can say.

Eyes Front Gentlemen.  Live. Learn. Lead.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Get busy living, or get busy dying ...

Shawshank Redemption is one of my favorite movies.  It is really a Man's movie - there isn't much in there for a woman to even like.  The title of this post is my favorite quote from the movie - because it sums up life for a Man.

You are either striving for something, or you're just floating (and dying).  What you strive for is not as important as the just having that thing.  It's best if that thing is big and important (and for you alone), but it can be short term - it just has to be something.

Have you ever noticed how time flies when you're focused on something you want - it may be writing, working on your golf swing, learning to play the guitar, reading a book - it doesn't matter, Men have the ability to tune everything else out and get very, very focused on one thing.  Now, think about those time when you were bored, how did time flow then?  Did it seem to slow down to a crawl?

If you had a choice, which would you prefer - the focused time flies world, or the bored time crawls world?  Because it's really your choice.  Find something, whatever it is and start getting focused.  Get something accomplished, start working on that project.  You choose how to spend your minutes (whether you believe that statement or not) - start choosing to spend them on important things.  Work to keep your mind sharp and clear.  Quit dulling it.

It's your choice ... get busy living or get busy dying.

Eyes front Gentlemen.  Live. Learn. Lead.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

There is nothing random about a hookup

I was texting with a woman the other day.  She's traveling (work related) and mentioned there were mostly Men in this meeting/seminar she is attending.  Then she went on to say something about "they were going to the bar after and had asked me to go" ... I told her that sounded like fun, even if she wasn't interested, it might be a be ego boost to get all that attention.  And then she hit me with this ..

"What do you think I want, a random hookup?"

I replied something like "I don't know, but the attention would be fun - if it were revered, and it was a bunch of women and I was the only Man - I'd do it."

What got me, was that statement "Random Hookup" ... and of course I started thinking about it.  From both sides of the fence.  And I came to the conclusion, that in almost all cases (except for maybe rock stars or star athletes) there is nothing very random about a hook up.  It might seem that way from a woman's perspective, but in reality, there is lots of work that goes into it.

Let me explain ... and this all on the Man's, the woman has to do nothing except be available (pretty much showing up):

- A Man has to "know" what he wants:  there has to be some planning involved.
- A Man has to practice:  all skills are acquired, that means you have to practice that skill (side note - read Mastery by Robert Greene)
- A Man has to be resilient:  how many times must you fail, how many times must you try again, how many times do you have to that by yourself and for yourself?
- A Man has to know his target:  if you want to get good at anything, you have to be willing to gain knowledge - there are no shortcuts

Those things were just to get you "ready" ... now comes the fun part:

- You have to take action
- You have to react with lighting speed
- You have to read subtle cues
- You have to defend yourself from "other men" protectors
- You have to basically have to do all the work

So, it is only "random" from her point of view - from your's it is the culmination of thousands of hours - of endless misses, to have it all come together and seem random to her.

Eyes front Gentlemen.  Live. Learn. Lead.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Manvice: Your Mission

How many times have you been told "You have to have a mission" ... it is put into context as in "women are attracted to Man with a mission" or "your mission can't be about getting laid" or even "the best way to get over a broken relationship is to focus on your mission".

Do you see a pattern above - it's not necessarily wrong, the problem is the context.  The only thing I can do is provide some personal experience - I don't know the best approach, or what will work for you - that's where you have to be willing to test, fail, re-calibrate, test (over and over again, until you have it set for your life).

So here it is - from a recent experience (after my divorce, but really the patter has been repeated several times in my life) ...

1. I start feeling great (not just good) about myself - I'm on track in several areas of my life and have the confidence to slay dragons and storm castles.
2. While on this confidence high, all sorts of things are moving in the right direction - money is flowing, friends are plentiful, women are interested, exercising - you are in the flow.
3. These flows have lasted for years or months - it's not a "short term" manic thing, it is just the way it works when you are on track, and have a really good idea of "what you want" in life.
4. Then it happens, maybe it's the first woman you meet, or the 100th - doesn't matter, this one is different, special, she is in your groove - and she "fits".  Everything about her fits.  There is nothing more wonderful than being on top of the world, and finding this woman.
5. Because she fits, you really can't get enough of her.  She may live next door, or hundreds of miles away, doesn't matter - you want to as much time with her as possible.
6. Now, you've read the 'sphere stuff, you believe it - so the relationship begins within your FRAME - you're tight, you're decisive, you're are literally "the MAN" for you and for her.
7. Somewhere along the way - once again, it may be months or years - you start to spend less time doing what you want, and more time doing what she wants.  Doesn't matter what it is, these are very small, incremental side steps - you can hardly perceive you are doing them.
8. You have already committed to her - maybe you've told her, maybe you haven't but you know you have - and for Men, that is a solid bond (that women will never give you or believe that you have given them) - and you take a few more side steps.
9. Something goes wrong - it could be anything, large or small - all of sudden that one thing, get blown out of proportion.  She gets emotional, you get emotion (which is always a bad thing) - and it kicks you in the stomach (and head) and literally, you find it hard to think (so a few more side steps are taken to get things back on track).
10. I have no idea when it happens, but all of sudden - you are not the Man she fell in love with (which you aren't), and she just can't take it anymore.  Now, you are devastated.  What the hell just happened - an hour of go, you were having sex and she was talking about how much she loved you right after - now you're breaking up and she never wants to see you again.  And what the hell does that mean "You're not the Man I fell in love with?".

Maybe it goes that way, maybe it's slightly different.  But I will tell you exactly what happened.  All those side steps you took - every single one - add up.  When you meet, you were focused and on top of the world, knew exactly what you wanted and were going for it.  Balls to the Wall!  You met her and although you were still actively pursuing your "mission" - all of sudden, she became important (you fit so well together, and she is absolutely gorgeous, and the sex!!!).

These side steps are natural - but they will also kill the relationship, drag you down, and make you into something that is NOT what made you attractive in the beginning.  The only thing you can do is stay AWARE of these side steps - make them consciously if you want, but never just allow them to happen with ACTIVE thought on your part.  That being said, she may still leave you - but at least if it happens, you will be able to move on much quicker (possibly immediately) and with much less "WHY ME?" pity thoughts.

Awareness is key in your life - women are not bad or evil, they just know how to naturally work a Man.  It's not purely manipulation - I truly believe, most women don't fake the "in love" feeling, just to keep Men interested.  The problem is, they believe the Disney Fairly Tale and that the "in love" feeling lasts forever (instead of understanding it's just a chemical reaction, that has a short timeframe).

So stay aware of the process.  Stay more true to yourself than true to her.  And keep those goals, dreams, missions alive inside you.

Eyes Front Gentlemen.  Live. Learn. Lead.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Total Devastation

We have all been there ... in my case, several times in my life ... there have been more than one job lost through either my fault (been fired) or no fault (laid off) ... a divorce ... a breakup of a "serious" relationship ... death of close friend or family member.  But there are other things, maybe it's an illness of someone close, or your own illness.  Natural disasters, loss of business, completely wiped out financially.

Whatever the circumstance - to you, it is total devastation.  The kind of thing that first kicks you in the balls, knocks your feet out from under you and then just for good measure, kicks you when you're down.

So what do you do?  How do bounce back?  How long does it take?  Will you ever be "normal" again?

I have no idea how to answer those questions, other than by saying, the only way is THROUGH the situation.  The longer you sit and do nothing, the longer it will take to go through it.  I don't know what you need to do for your specific situation, but you have to start thinking about what life is like once you are all the way through it.  You have to start putting yourself in some sort of control, set some goals, get your vision beyond today and set it somewhere in the future.

You have to fully understand, that today you are devastated, but you don't have to stay there.  Go through it completely, don't shortcut the process - it will only come back on you later.

There are some tried and true things you can do as a Man ...
1. Exercise - life weights, get your body strong, release endorphins into your bloodstream.
2. Set Goals - look at areas in your life that need improvement or something that you want to do (just for you).
3. Hang out with friends - and in general this means friends of the male variety.  Whatever you're going through, Men will be able to relate - and just by hanging out with them - doing whatever Men do - you will feel better.

We all have times in our lives where it's hard to get up in the morning.  When we wake up at 3am and our minds start going and the thoughts roll.  Push through it.  At some point in the future, you will realize you thought less about it - then one day, you'll realize, you haven't thought about it for a couple days.  Getting through those times suck, but you will get through it.  And by getting through it, you have created a huge success for yourself.  Use it in the future if life gets a brutal - you made it through then, you can get through it now.

Eyes Front Gentlemen.  Live. Learn. Lead.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

"You suck at being divorced"

The other day, I said that to a friend of mine ... he got a chuckle out of it, but the reality, most Men truly suck after a divorce or breakup.  And I'm speaking from very personal experience here.

In my case, when my marriage was crashing and I knew is was heading towards divorce, I froze.  I didn't really know what to do - I didn't get married so that one day I would be divorced and lose my family (which for most Men is more important than their wife).  I was literally frozen, not able to move left or right.  I went to counseling.  I talked to friends and family.  I tried to so some things for me (which was the advice of all those well meaning people) - but my thoughts were consumed by my "wanting" the reality to be different.

Here's a wake up call for anyone going through a divorce or breakup - REALITY IS WHAT IT IS, YOU CAN'T WISH IT TO BE DIFFERENT.  Wanting something to be different, especially when it comes to male/female relationships, is not going to help.  Getting your mind all wrapped around events (real or imaged) from the past and stressing yourself out, is not going to help.  Getting frozen in place and not being able to move, is not going to help.

The only thing that helps, is to re-center yourself.  To stop being frozen, and start looking at what is real.  I'm not saying ignore your emotions - you have to feel those things (or they just come up somewhere or sometime else).  What I'm saying is that you also have to start taking actions - no matter how small - to get yourself moving.

The following are Newton's Law of Motion (from wikipedia)

First law:  When viewed in an inertial reference frame, an object either remains at rest or continues to move at a constant velocity, unless acted upon by an external force.
Second law:  The vector sum of the external forces F on an object is equal to the mass m of that object multiplied by the acceleration vector a of the object: F = ma.
Third law:  When one body exerts a force on a second body, the second body simultaneously exerts a force equal in magnitude and opposite in direction on the first body.

I'm not a physicist, but basically, you either are moving, or you're not.  If you are moving, it's easier to keep moving, with less effort on your part.  If you are completely stopped, it takes more effort to get going - but once you do, the first law comes back into play.

The point being.  Being frozen is the worst thing you can do.  You have to do something.  The first thing you have to do, is get your head together - and quit feeling guilty about all the things "that went wrong, or things you did or didn't do".  That is what kept me stuck - that guilt and shame - and the whole "this is all my fault" thinking.  For all I know, it is all your fault - but there is a huge difference between "owning" and taking responsibility for your actions and taking blames (and feeling guilt and shame about them).

And it's not just divorce, this can happen in dating or LTR relationships.  Something happens (you, them, a 3rd party), you react, they react, the situation spins out of control.  Then you breakup.  Do not get caught in this cycle of guilt and shame - taking all the "blame".  You have to own your actions.  You have to take responsibility for what you did (or didn't do).  And biggest thing ... you have to accept the consequences and the outcome.

So now back to my primary point - You Suck at Being Divorced ...

I told my friend that because he was still caught in this cycle of "I can't do this, because of that" ... and the that usually centered around his xwife or xgirlfriend - because you are "wishing" that they come back.  Get out of that cycle - because you are putting them at the center of your life, not you.  Spend some time, make a list, and start working it - what do you want?  What have you not been doing that you would like to do?  Use this new found energy and refocus it on YOU - get yourself back to the center.

Hell, they may or may not come back.  There are times I really would like to have a crystal ball to see into the future - but none of us has one.  Quit wishing for different circumstance - and start moving to create different circumstance.  Once you do, you may find out you don't want them back - that they keep you stuck (or more accurately, you allowed yourself to be stuck, they just provide the excuse to do it).

Eyes Front Gentlemen.  Live. Learn. Lead.

Monday, May 11, 2015

What will you see when you look back...

The other day, after a particularly tough day, I thought -- what will I see when I look back on my life, when I know the end is near?

It was a sobering thought.  Because I have lost so much time - in my fears, in my worries, in my thoughts of opportunities lost - and especially in thinking about how I had failed or just wasn't good enough.  If I added it all up, it's probably a few years that I've wasted.  But the time is only one of the things that I missed - I also missed the opportunity to experience life, to love, to laugh, to enjoy life at it's core.

And then I thought - what if you wrote the end of your story, right now, today.  What details would be included, what experiences would you have, what places would you see?  Would your story about sitting on your ass watching TV, playing video games, or even reading this blog?  Is that the story you want?

What did you learn today?  Was it something new and interesting, or something you could care less about - and you did it only because someone told you to, or you it was part of your job?  Who did you talk to today - and did you really talk to them, or were you distracted, or thinking of something else?  Did you create anything today?  Did you make anyone laugh, or cry?  

Was your day filled with something new or something boring? 

Those were the thoughts I was having the other day, and I thought, I want to fill my life with experiences, with people, with places, with memories.  I want to have sex with lots more women, but I also want to have one more "special" relationship (I know, not very 'sphere is it).  I want to drive fast on a open road, I want to swim in some warm ocean, I want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane ... I want to learn a language, buy a piano (I already know how to play), learn how to cook.

There are so many things that can be done, most of which don't even really cost that much money, but they give us the stories of our lives.  Those experiences help create who you are - the wins and the losses - because it is all important.  

So what will your story be - go ahead and write it tonight, then begin living it tomorrow.

Eyes front Gentlemen.  Live, Learn, Lead.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Manvice (from the past): If by Rudyard Kipling

The following is a poem by Rudyard Kipling ... if you don't know who he is, then click the link and go to wikipedia to find out.  The poem 'If' first appeared in his collection 'Rewards and Fairies' in 1909. The poem is inspirational, motivational, and a set of rules for 'grown-up' living. He ends the poem with the statement "You'll be a Man, my Son" ... which sums up the message he is presenting here.  It is one of his most popular and contains wisdom, that if implemented, can catapult everyman to the highest potential they have within them.

Enjoy the poem (I included a video at the end, for those that like to be read to), read it slowly, look beyond the words, into the meaning.  Don't filter any of it, some lines will ring more true than others, but the whole is greater than the parts.  At some point, take the opportunity to read it out loud to yourself - there is something impactful in hearing your own voice.  And another interesting thing about this poem, and almost any written word - read it again - the next time you read it, there will something new you notice, not because you "missed" it the first time, but because you are ready to hear it now.

Eyes front Gentlemen.  Live. Learn. Lead.

IF by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Only the starving man settles ...

I had a thought and had to get it out ….

What would I tell my son, if he told me a story (like the one I'm currently in) and asked my advice.  So the following is what I would tell him, which in turn, is exactly what I would tell  myself.  I've been unwilling to have this self talk, so I'm putting it her for anyone that is currently struggling with a relationship ... it's what I would say to my son, and to myself …. 

"Stop focusing on her - if you want to spend time with this woman, spend it - but do it because you want to give away your time to her.  You can do anything with your time, once it's gone, it's gone - you don't get it back, ever.

But don't give her anything else.  Don't give her your heart, she's not willing to give her's to you.  Don't give her your commitment, she's not willing to give her's to you.  Don't give her any of your precious thoughts, your energy, and especially, don't give her your love - she's not willing to give you any of those things.

Quit listening to her bullshit.  Quit getting caught up in her emotions.  Quit giving her your future.  She is not willing to give you any of that in return.  Understand, she really can't give you the love you want, she will never appreciate how you feel, she will only take and then want more.  She wants you to be desirable to other women, but will look for ways to make you less desirable.  She wants you to be strong, but she will look for way to make you weak.  She will attack you in places that no one else will attack, because you have provided her with the weapons to do it.

Really, the only thing you can do right now, is stop focusing on her, and start focusing on you.  Everytime you wonder what she's doing, you need to find something to do yourself.  Everytime you start thinking about a future with her, you need to start thinking of your future and what you want to do.  Everytime there is a question about her, stop and refocus on what you have to do to get what you want.  She can't be the goal - she doesn't really want to be the goal.

I know you care about her.  From the way you've talked about her, I know you love her deeply and want nothing but to be with her.  And I also know, those emotions are powerful and overwhelming and consume every Man that has ever felt them - but you have to stop.  If she's worthy of you, she will seek you out.  If she loves you, she won't want to be with another man.  If she wants a life with you, she will follow you.  If she doesn't, then she's not worthy of all those gifts you want to give her.

Stop thinking of her, and start thinking of yourself.  Trust in yourself more than you trust in her.  Believe that you are worthy, you are enough and you are the PRIZE.  Anything less than that, and you are settling - and only the starving Man settles."

Eyes front Gentlemen.  Live. Learn. Lead.